About the Author

Michael is a fine example of Homo sapiens germanica, with a slight tendency toward the scruffy appearance exhibited by that species. Usually seen in multi-purpose outdoor plumage, he prefers solid, natural colors that blend well into any environment. Utilitarian in his accessories, it is rare to see him without some kind of tote bag or messenger bag containing supplies gathered for his intended activities. When utilizing secondary means of transportation, he prefers four or more wheels that are similarly utilitarian in appearance. When engaged in social rather than goal based activities, Michael will adopt far more formal and flashy plumage that allows for freedom of movement. Even here he prefers solid, primary colors though high reflectivity is not uncommon.


In his natural habitat, the casual observer will usually first notice his speed of movement and near indefatigable level of energy. Usually moving at velocities around 5 miles an hour, he has been seen exceeding 15 miles an hour under his own power; it can thus be difficult to keep him in sight for any length of time. Canny viewers who want to observe him for greater periods of time will stock up on items that might catch and occupy his attention. We reccomend that you choose items that present mental engagement equivalent to his usual physical velocity. Suggestions include computerized devices, latin and/or swing bands, unoccupied dance floors, tickets to cultural events, and/or lingerie. When engaging him directly, do not be surprised if he has trouble sticking to any single topic of conversation for longer than 5 minutes. Sudden, short to medium periods of staring into empty space and silence are the best indication that you’ve caught his attention, as they indicate deep thought about a new piece of information. Occasionally, these will include systematic rumination upon some convenient object. Periods such as this are not to be mistaken for inattenion, as those are additionally characterized by idle behavior: Jiggling legs, twiddling thumbs, or other indications of excess mental capacity.

During times of high stress, Michael enters into a state of intense focus and surrounds himself with a cocoon of an increasing number of empty soft drink containers, closing himself off until the source of stress has passed. During these times distracting him is particularly dangerous, as all his mental and physical resources are dedicated towards confronting and resolving the source of stress, and derailing his train of thought at this time can lead to vicious wounds caused by caustic and pointed commentary.


Homo sapiens germanicus is usually brought up on an omnivorous diet of available options, and Michael is no different. Sustenance is drawn from whatever is convenient or supportive of the current social situation, as cuisine is found to be ancillary to other activities. Neglect in favor of social events should not be taken as dislike of food, as there have been scattered observation reports of Michael spending days in culinary environments preparing sumptuous feasts with rare ingredients. Whether he has retained his genetic predisposition towards the consumption of barley, hops, and processed meat sausages is unknown; His transplantation into the western hemisphere has made him adopt far more herbivorous habits, to the point where observers have mistaken him as a member of Homo sapiens vegetaria or, in extreme cases, Hippie sapiens treehuggicum.